Are you troubled by a pattern of behavior that does not serve you? There might be a painful experience in your past driving your reactions.
What is little “t” trauma?
According to Psychology Today, trauma is a person’s emotional response to a terrible event where their life is threatened. Victims of rape, child abuse, and war experience this type of trauma.
But what about a life-altering experience—and not the good kind—where you were never in physical danger?
Like others have noted, I believe trauma with a little “t” can cause damage to a person’s wellbeing long after an event has faded. Taking the sting out of the memory, like overcoming big “T” trauma, means taking back control of your emotional reaction.
Finding your core story
I struggle with social anxiety. When I’m with a group of people, my go-to feeling is that I’m not really wanted. I didn’t know where the feeling was coming from until I had an “aha” moment in a therapy session: A long-forgotten memory surfaced.
As an exercise to engage my feelings, my therapist asked me to write down my story, including as many details as I could remember. ( I have changed the names for this blog post).
Remember middle school?
Before Facebook, unfriending was a thing—and equally as harsh. I remembered the day that Linda and Kate told me they didn’t want me as a friend.
The girl’s footsteps echoed on the gym floor as they approached the window where I cleaned soiled trays in exchange for a free lunch. The mill that employed my dad was not having a great year.
I don’t know if my memory of their faces is a projection or real, but I became uneasy when I noticed Kate’s gaze following her steps on the floor. As they came closer, a sense of foreboding settled in my stomach. Linda looked triumphant; the corners of her mouth betrayed a slight sneer as she looked at me with my hairnet and apron on.
When the two girls reached my station, Linda shoved a folded paper toward me.
“We want to give you this, and we both agreed,” she said, emphasizing that it was a joint decision. Then, they turned quickly and walked out.
I looked down at the paper in my hand, afraid of the next moment. Slowly I opened it. The black ink is as clear today as it was then: We do not want to be friends with you was written in Linda’s curling, fat cursive. Underneath was a box beside each of their names with a bold X marked inside each.
As my pooled tears blurred my vision, I threw the paper in the trash as if it were a rattlesnake trying to strike. My face burned with the heat of my shame. In a daze, I grabbed the nozzle hanging from the ceiling. The pile of dirty trays waited.
Your story matters
So many of us have stories like this: a painful experience in our youth that left a mark. We bury them and get on with it because who would want to remember such a horrible day?
Having every detail right is not the point. It is not untrue if someone else remembers it a different way. What matters is that it is a story with power in your life.
Changing the narrative
A therapist can teach you how to uncover a buried narrative and coach you on practical steps to overcome a past experience dictating your emotional responses. I asked Monique, Blu Haven’s trauma specialist, how she helps.
After teasing out the root cause of the behavior, Monique focuses on the learned responses.
“The feelings are physical,” she said. “Your body holds the memories even when your mind has forgotten them.”
Monique calls this being stuck in survivor mode—a way to protect yourself.
For example, I have always felt safest alone. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, except when it is a learned behavior impeding how you interact with the world.
Monique says that she works with clients to build awareness. “I help you to be curious about where the feelings show up in different areas of your life,” she said. “The first step is to practice noticing.”
Monique then teaches clients how to develop a dialogue with their emotion, emphasizing that it must be without judgment. Over time, that conversation helps by “teaching our body that we are safe and can come out of survivor mode,” she said.
You are not your past experiences
Trauma— even with a little “t”— is something that happens to you. We each have the power within us to overcome learned responses by owning our practice and intention.
I am still honing the dialogue with my social anxiety. I know what I am feeling and why. With each conversation, I find it easier to let go.
Part of wellness is knowing and embracing who you are, not letting past experiences dictate a false version of yourself. If you struggle with a pattern of confusing and negative emotions, reach out and start your transformation. Blu Haven is there to help you.